‘ The Last Thing I Want’ – Gunfires Emulsify
I have an adult mind.
I know I don't always see clearly,
But I want to go…
Cause' I know that they miss me,
And I know I miss them too.
I'm sick of feeling like...
...You think I "Don't have a clue"
I'm smarter than you think,
I'm wiser than you know.
And if you heard me clearly,
you'd know that I want to go.
Why won't you listen to me?
I'm not like any other teen,
Are you hearing the words I say?
Do I have to bloody scream?
I can see it. I'm not writing this on paper, but it's coming from my heart.
Can't you feel it, each time it beats its tearing me apart?
Because I face the facts, that I'm not coming back.
And I know that that's the last thing that I want.
It's not hard for me,
To write my thoughts and place them into words.
It's not hard,
It's harder to deal with this curse...
That I'm burdened to be,
Here until I'm older.
But you all fail to see;
Makes me regret that I told her.
You say it's beneficial to me,
And I can rationalise that.
But your rules are getting stupid,
And you all fail to see that;
I'm unhappy here,
I'm unhappy anywhere else.
Because I don't belong there.
And I don't need help.
I can see it. I'm not writing this on paper, but it's coming from my heart.
Can't you feel it, each time it beats its tearing me apart?
Because I face the facts, that I'm not coming back.
And I know that that's the last thing that I want.
You say you are all gonna listen to me,
You say happy, that's what you want me to be.
I'm an independent girl.
I know what's best for me.
And I know after this you still won't believe...
I can see it. I'm not writing this on paper, but it's coming from my heart.
Can't you feel it, each time it beats its tearing me apart?
Because I face the facts, that I'm not coming back.
And I know that that's the last thing that I want.
I just want to be heard,
Don't treat me like a child.
I'm probably wiser than you,
Did you give that a thought?
I cry whilst writing these words,
I cry more often thank you think.
And if you don't want me to,
Face the facts,
That there's a missing chain in this link.
And I want my life back,
It wasn't perfect,
But it was mine.
And I want my life back.
I don't want to see posts of people having normal lives.
I don't want to feel like a ghost when no-one listens to my cries.
I've given you an opportunity now.
I'm not insane by saying this,
But I've played by the rules.
And it's not making me give credit,
That you're helping me,
Because you've got to play by the rules.
Even if it means not truly listening to me,
Even if it means I might not be happy.
Give me a list of the criteria,
I'll see what needs to be met.
I'll tick every single box,
If that's what it takes.
I'll be the perfect little child,
If you give me back my soul.
I know it's not empty or broken.
I wasn't damaged,
It's you, in fact, that's causing all the damage.
What damage?
If you think I'm the definition of it
Logically I'm just a child trying to get her priorities straight,
And get her life back,
And get what she wants,
And not wants need,
Because its the missing piece to what will make her happy.
I can see it. I'm not writing this on paper, but it's coming from my heart.
Can't you feel it, each time it beats its tearing me apart?
Because I face the facts, that I'm not coming back.
And I know that that's the last thing that I want.
I'm not stupid.
I know you're trained to observe my behaviour like hawks.
I don't lack knowledge.
I know you're watching my emotions, seeing how you interpret my emptions.
I know you're trained so hard to notice every little detail,
This is geting bloody ridiculous.
Cause' when a child is screaming in your face you forget to listen.
I don't mean that literally, but from different angles you do.
I can blink; "She's nervous, she's scared".
I can scream from the fooftops bawling my eyes out; "Its an act, she doesn't really care".
I'm not emotionally disturbed.
I;m emotionally annoyed,
Because no-one is listening to the child out of everything.
I know the systems not the enemy.
But my worst fear is you,
Because anything I do,
You jump to conclusions.
"See? She needs our help"
You're not here to be my friend.
But you're here to listen.
You can emulate friendship,
But you're here to do the protocol.
But why is it so hard to face,
That I want to go.
I can see it. I'm not writing this on paper, but it's coming from my heart.
Can't you feel it, each time it beats its tearing me apart?
Because I face the facts, that I'm not coming back.
And I know that that's the last thing that I want.